Colt Babcock's Autobiography Part 5
I held my bladder for a while. So I started going more often, in case that could take it easier on it. Then I started having to go too often. ‘Retraining’ as a doctor called it, worked.
Probably at least 4 years before 2022/now, my butt was sore, due to sitting too long, or from using the washroom. So I got up to walk a bit, to prevent a hemorrhoid, in case that could happen. I think that is what started me taking short walking breaks inside. Eventually, I walked fast/short distances inside for energy. Eventually, I couldn’t sit or stand in 1 spot for long, without butt pain in 1 spot, or tiredness/low energy (i.e. in a few minutes).
If I didn't walk in a continuous route, I got butt pain, unless I was physically tired. I had to do probably 8 or 12 laps around the island in the kitchen. That tired me/maybe helped get my mind off it. When things were worse, I could only sit for probably 30-40 seconds, which is not nice when you want to enjoy a show. The short sitting times is partially why I liked the Fantasy and Science Fiction genres. You can see more ideas in a shorter timespan, rather than watching characters do mundane stuff. Action in those genres helped me sit a little longer, due to excitement or adrenaline.
I paced at the back of my church to avoid butt pain.
Feeling good helped with the pain. That's partially why I viewed porn. Porn also made me feel less tired. Tiredness can get to you, when you feel tired long enough with no end in sight.
I maybe started sitting on a hard chair because someone said a hard chair can help with hemorrhoids. I thought it could be because of the amount of support it gave. Sitting on a hard chair seemed to help with the pain. It could’ve been because it was uncomfortable/helped get my mind off the pain. For a while, I had to use a hard, uncomfortable chair throughout the day when the pain was worse/more frequent. I had to hold myself off my chair after walking, which could tire the muscles/maybe help get my mind off the pain. Later, I only had to use a hard chair earlier in the day, maybe due to more enjoyment/distraction from shows in the evening. I don’t need to sit on a hard chair now - probably before age 34/2022.
I could sit for longer with my morning coffee after standing for an hour or so. (maybe it tired me or my legs out) The good feeling from the coffee probably helped.
I used to walk 8 or 12 laps, I think, in the kitchen or pace outside before getting into our vehicle. I held myself off a car seat for 30 minutes or so, to go to doctor appointments.
I got that pain if I bent over.
Rarely, I got very sharp butt pain for some reason.
Because of the butt pain, I got a Sigmoidoscopy. I then waited to see a specialist/results. I had Inflammatory Bowel Disease if I recall. I had to do an enema every night (the content was left inside me overnight) for 2 months. (the cost was not covered by the government/not cheap. I could’ve bought it in bulk for a discount, but there was a chance of side effect/s, so I didn’t) This is probably when I had a Colonoscopy. I waited to see a specialist, then another more knowledgeable than him if I recall. I tried a cream in case the sphincter muscle was causing the pain. I then waited to see a specialist if I recall. I waited to see if it was a mental issue. They didn't think it was, but they said it was possible that wires were crossed. They lacked some knowledge from me though. (i.e. my attraction to young girls) A specialist was going to send me to a physiotherapist, (thinking the pain could be a problem with my pelvic floor muscles) but there was a mix up and I never got the call. I didn’t phone the specialist's office for a while. I decided not to go to the physiotherapist. (it would not've been cheap for me) I found a free workout on Youtube, if I needed it, but I never did.
The pain isn’t as often or as bad, perhaps due to eating healthier and doing more physical activity. (I incorrectly thought that maybe it was from exercising the pelvic floor muscles by standing more) Being more healthy/having less low energy/feeling better probably helped. Negativity made the pain worse in the past.
After having the pain issue for a while, I wished someone could spy on me to find out if it was mental.
Before I laid down to sleep, I think I walked fast 22 or 24 times around the kitchen. Doing that was cold in the Winter, as I slept in boxers and I had to walk continuously before getting in my bed. For a while I didn’t have a sweater on while I was doing that/only had a t-shirt on, as I had to lay down quickly. Later, I started taking my sweater off before the last lap/while on the move, putting it in my room, and then going to do another lap. It might’ve been colder as we had a door shut to keep cats separate/from fighting. One was in the living room where the fireplace was, so we got cut off from the heat at night.
I take frequent breaks from looking at a screen/show - less energy affects my eyes, causing them to hurt sooner/easier. The amount of sleep that I get can affect my energy/eyes. My eyes could get sore from looking at a screen, in probably less than a minute, due to low energy after Supper. In the past, I desired porn because it helped my eyes not need frequent breaks.
When I had poorer eyesight due to less sleep and/or less eye breaks, I think I found girls in porn more attractive.
After I laid down for sleep, I needed to sit up from time to time, until I got more tired, to get rid of pain in my stomach area. I thought it was probably the thing that I had wrong with my bowel before.
I used to stand for 1 hour, I think, before supper, so I could sit the whole meal/enjoy the food. (the food wouldn’t taste good if I didn’t stand enough before supper) Before that, I used to take walking breaks before finishing my supper. (I think: before and during the vegetables/non-potatoes, which I saved for last) At 34, I still have to take them frequently during dessert, in order to enjoy it. (probably because I had been sitting for a while during supper, which affects my energy level, and perhaps I got a high blood pressure feeling by then) The walking breaks seem to affect how I feel. Although if the dessert is quite sweet, (and perhaps with butter in it) I don’t need to take walking breaks - probably due to enjoying it more.
I’m not sure if I should put this here, chronological time wise. [8/18/2020] My eyes will start being sore, unless I walk some.
I have to pause for maybe 10 seconds after I move, before I look closely at something. Otherwise it hurts my eyes, causes poor eyesight, and if I push things, it can cause a headache, nausea and dizziness. If I’m feeling good, my eyes won’t hurt as much, at least at first. Sometimes (at least later on then this date) I can skip the pause when I go to the kitchen to look my silverware over for food/cat hair (we don’t have a drier to remove hair, so we can have cat hair on the dry towels)/stuff for supper. I do that if I am pressed for time/supper is ready. Maybe it is optimism/good feeling that I can get the silverware taken care of quickly, that helps my eyes not be sore and/or the fact that I had more time to get work on a document done before Supper. (my mood affects my energy, which affects my eyes) For a long time, I used to incorrectly think the pause was for my eyes to adjust. Someone gave me that idea.
7/29/2021] When I come into my room in the evening to watch a show, I take a break for my eyes/energy levels (how I’m feeling) to adjust. (how I’m feeling affects my eyes. Good feeling can make me feel less tired) Then I look at a bright white spot on my screen for a small/certain time. (hence I usually had subtitles on. Sometimes I paused the show on a scene with subtitles, or rewound it to 1. The other method was to make the window not full screen, if I was watching a show on a computer, so that I could see white outside of the video) Then I look away from my screen to give my eyes a break from the brightness. (they might be sensitive due to tiredness/my energy level) Then I repeat the process and on the fourth time after looking at a bright white spot, I look at a show. I was thinking that a bright screen helps me feel more awake, which affects my eyes. After a while of needing to look at bright spots, things changed. If I’m feeling good after taking the first break after coming into my room, I can start watching right away, without looking at a bright white spot first.
I used to not like K-Love/a Christian radio station (I listened to it online) because some songs were downers. I was probably more affected than other people.
If I leave my eyes on 1 spot when I am taking a pause before looking closely at something, my eyes can hurt. It is still that way at age 34.
If my eyes unfocus, (which probably causes tiredness/lower energy) I look at bright enough stuff for a time, before I look closely at something, to prevent eye pain and poor vision.
If I focus my eyes too much, without a break, I can get dizzy, a headache, and feel like I’m car sick. It is still that way at 34.
It was easier on my eyes to read printed text in the evening. It was probably energy related. Maybe a bright screen allowed me to read on screen text other times of the day. Brightness can help you be more awake/affect energy.
8/1/2020 - 32 years old] On days when I'm more tired, if I sit too long, I can get a feeling of pressure (I think is the way to describe it) and ringing in 1 ear.
I didn’t enjoy some books with dark stuff in them (all of them have evil to overcome) either due to anxiety and/or the darkness bringing me down. It was probably tied to low energy. I read before bed every night.
If I sat or stood in 1 spot too long, it gave me a feeling of high blood pressure and it could cause headaches, a sound in an ear, (like someone blowing, or whatnot) nausea, (reading too much in 1 sitting might cause that) sweating, (the amount of sleep affected that, I think) a faster heart beat, and it could make it hard to think and recall. I need to get up before my head explodes. Life can be interesting. I often got stroke-like symptoms. i.e. dizziness, which I later realized could be from focusing on a screen too much. I think I got slurred speech from sitting too long.
I tested my blood pressure. It was only a feeling of high blood pressure that I got.
I planned to not do anything about a heart attack if I got 1. I went for a while, without checking for cancerous moles. I called the previous ‘passive suicide’.
My sleep was poor for a while, so there is likely more than a little plaque on my brain. If I get any more nights with less sleep, that will increase the risk of Alzheimer’s disease.
I was anxious around people (more so if I hadn't been around strangers in a while, I think) if I had less sleep.
I might've had an irrational fear once. With less sleep, I could feel on the edge of sanity - probably only once or twice.
I got anxious during supper/lower energy - perhaps more after sitting for a bit.
7/19/2021 - 33 years old] I may’ve detected slight obsessions. I will keep an eye out & get help if needed. I might have an obsession with World War 2 at least at times, (update: maybe like “I really should learn more since I already know a bunch”. What you know can provide a sense of value) being organized, & wanting to: get rid of things I don’t need, journal, (update: i.e. at times) & update my Facebook profile.
When I was lying awake in bed 1 morning, (I was probably a little tired) I moved my eyes from 1 wood section to another, maybe doing 4 sections repeatedly, 2 or 3 times.
If I sat or stood in 1 spot for too long, it made more bowel movements/uncomfortableness/sickness related to that. I think I noticed it could be worse on days with less sleep. It might be worse after a meal. If I pooped too much, I felt the urge to go more often.
I think I get butt pain more when I’m tired, (which can bring negativity) and when I think about it. I think I can get frequent butt pain, immediately after lunch, due to lower energy.
I can’t sit long after lunch, due to low energy, unless I’m enjoying myself.
Age 34
I took medication at bedtime, as prescribed. Perhaps I was a little tired/wasn’t sure at the time if the medication affected my thinking. There was a weird mental swing, which had to be due to the medication. I didn’t report it. There was a side effect like that to look out for. Taking it shortly before bedtime, would’ve been better than right at, to look for side effect/s. I guess I got accustomed to the medication, but later after multiple dose increases, my energy went very low. A shower felt like a chore. I could hardly stand at times. While laying on my bed, I tried hitting my chest with my fists to try to stop my heart. I got put on a similar/different medication.
Age 33 or 34: fights in the game The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim could be scary.
Sometimes I move my stomach back/up when sitting. It helps get my mind off uncomfortableness (eye pain, or that high blood pressure feeling) if I've been sitting for a time.
I don’t need to let my eyes adjust to a screen/show now.
Medication/better energy/sleep probably helped the butt pain to be less often.
I washed a shoulder once more than I needed to.
I brushed a tooth more than I needed to.
7/29/2021] In the evening, after watching a show, I get up from my chair and do 3 laps in the kitchen. Then I come back into my room to get a toothbrush and toothpaste. Then I go to the bathroom to brush my teeth. There is then little or no butt pain. Today, I did 3 laps, then washed my hands in the kitchen, then I went to brush my teeth. The pain was much stronger than usual - despite doing the same amount of walking. I stood there for a time. Then I did 3 laps in the kitchen, before I resumed brushing. Ever since then, my butt has been bugging me.
I walk 3 times around the kitchen, before going to brush my teeth, to avoid butt pain. If I move away from the counter, (maybe to blow my nose) then return, then I will get pain, unless I walk 3 times around the kitchen.
Less sleep can make my stomach ache - usually around mealtime. (it made me throw up once or twice) Once I wished that I could die because it was intense. I think that time was partially due to having less liquid with my supper and dessert. I didn’t want to drink too much/more than 1 cup.
Compulsion probably occurred at low energy times/times of less good feeling.
Less quality sleep can give me the urge to do certain physical actions - probably putting a hand on my chin.
I think having enjoyable things to occupy me helps prevent urges. i.e. physical actions. I got an urge to do a physical action, but I didn’t do it.
I wished I could do something like the cross sign that Catholics do. Putting an arm behind my back made me feel good at times. I wasn’t sure if that was a positive memory connection. (it’s like an at ease position)
I needed standing periods to watch a show because of low energy. I sat/watched a bit, then did 3 laps, then stood/watched a bit, then did 3 laps, then sat/watched, and so on. One day I skipped the standing part because it was hot. Later, I stood for a bit, and it made me feel tired. Usually standing for a bit would make me not feel tired. Now I don’t need the standing periods when watching a show.
I felt deeper regret after supper/lower energy more than once.
I think I got greater highs from music than what normal people would get.
I may’ve wanted to hold grudges in the past.
Once I got anger that wouldn’t go away for a short time.
My emotional states and times of depression were maybe not far off from bipolar, (1 person in my family has that) which my medication also treats.
I was a slave to the truth. I think I was obsessed with the law. I idolized the police - at least the OPP. I think it brought a good feeling when I saw an OPP vehicle going by. Obsession probably explains why I sometimes really like French. My mental state was probably why I liked the idea of lesbians. Maybe my anti-Christian behavior was obsessive.
I was probably in cluster C of personality disorders - the obsessive compulsive area.
Sometimes I had unbidden thoughts of young girls. It was probably due to my mental state. It could be annoying.
I didn’t look at a girl for more than a bit at Costco, so it wouldn’t potentially scare adults. (if I had looked a little longer, it might’ve started to feel disgusting to me, but I didn’t test that)
Sometimes I couldn’t help but laugh at stuff in a show (update: probably comedy stuff), even though I didn’t find it funny.
If I'm busy/have stuff to enjoy, compulsiveness seems to lessen.
Once it looked like I had a milk splatter on my desk. Maybe it was from only getting 5 hours of sleep.
A cat shook her paw near me, after having it in a water dish. I thought I felt a drop of liquid land on my foot. It wasn’t there.
Tiredness/low energy can contribute to me wanting to be avoidant, I think. If you’re not feeling good, you can feel more selfish perhaps. Anxiety is probably worse with tiredness.
My medication has an increased risk for older adults. Maybe I will not live to be old. That could be a blessing.
Minor things in a show can easily scare me - probably at least sometimes from sitting for a bit, as that can impact my energy and/or thinking from a high blood pressure feeling.
I can get butt pain in bed - probably from sitting too long right before bed, or not walking in the kitchen a bit shortly before bed.
I got a headache and a feeling of high blood pressure after laying on my back for a time, before I switched to a side.
The high blood pressure feeling in my head remains for a time after sitting long enough/getting up. It remained for at least 40 minutes once. It got worse after sitting for a bit.
At breakfast, if I hold a bit between mouthfuls, the high blood pressure feeling can come. Eating gets rid of it.
9/11/2022] I did 2 checking actions. I looked at something I already read in a news article. (it’s like doing something without even thinking - automatic pilot - maybe influenced by sitting too long/that high blood pressure feeling (which can make it harder to think) and perhaps due to eye pain and low energy/tiredness. I might’ve done a checking action twice in the past before the previous.
23] Since the brain can create things like pain via thought, could reality be affected by thought? i.e. you could create good luck/things for yourself if you truly believed. i.e. if I believed tapping my left shoulder with my right hand brought good health/no cancer, or whatnot. It felt good when I touched my left shoulder.
10/5] I was less attached to things in my autobiography. I removed stuff. Medication probably helped. I was more into women this day, which was new for me. I’ve been thinking about them.
If I look at a darker thing on a screen, (i.e. a bold title in a news article, or an image in a news article) I need to take a break for my eyes (maybe because of the difference between the dark and light parts of the screen. Does the darkness affect my energy/tiredness? If I looked somewhere else in my room, it would be brighter than the dark spot on the screen, but not as bright as a white spot on the screen. If I looked at a dark spot on screen, then looked at a bright spot on screen, the difference might make my eyes hurt. If you look at super bright stuff without being used to it, it can hurt your eyes)
I can read 2 pages of a novel before I get too uncomfortable. I get more frequent butt pain when reading before bed - perhaps due to tiredness.
The quick walking inside and outside that I used to do (I don’t need to walk quickly anymore) is probably why it hurts my hips when I lay on my side for a bit. I sleep on a side. If I lay on my side right after laying down, I will get hip pain. So I need to lay on my back for a time, before I switch. Then not long after that, I usually, if not always, have to switch to my other side, due to hip pain.
In my evening reading time, after brushing my teeth, my mouth fills with spit. It’s probably due to my tongue position. If I swallow too much before bed, I have to get up to use the washroom. Having my mouth even partially full of spit was annoying.
If I recall, for a certain amount of time before supper (maybe about an hour before at least sometimes), I had to hold my tongue in a certain position. (at least sometimes touching the top of my mouth if I recall. If I recall, it was annoying at least sometimes) One situation could make me not taste my supper as good. If I held my tongue to the top of my mouth for too long, maybe it made my tongue dry/stick/tear stuff off.
Sometimes I can’t help, but have my lips pursed.
My teeth are pressed harder together sometimes - before supper probably.
A psychiatrist and I thought that subconscious thoughts were causing my energy lows, butt pain, the feeling of high blood pressure, and likely my eye stuff.
A cat tries to swat me, without nails. I prevent it by walking with my feet facing the cat when I walk past him. I don’t want the cat to swat my bear foot, as that could make it itch. I’m allergic.
I drink coffee right after I get up. I probably do that because my medication is a sedative.
I stand at lunch, so that I can sit afterwards without as much low energy/tiredness. After I eat, I spit to get citrus acid off my tongue. Then I rinse with water so I can spit again - orange still comes off. Then I lick my lips, rinse, floss 1 spot (as food gets stuck there often), lick my lips (to get whatever floss stuff off) and then rinse.
Grandma buys and cooks macaroni to feed to raccoons. ($2 every 2 weeks. She cooks it every other day and puts salt on it) She gives the end pieces of the loaf, fat and grizzle to them. She freezes the fat and grizzle during the winter, to feed them in the summer. Mosquitos come in when she feeds them. She has an unnatural little pond nearby, which is a mosquito breeding ground. That worried me that it could increase my risk of getting the West Nile Virus. I might’ve worried that I could get the West Nile virus and Covid 19 at the same time.
When a cat here hears grandpa’s chip bag, she often goes running from another room to where he is. Grandpa throws her a small chip, or a piece of 1. She eats it, but not always right then. It was funny.
A cat usually won’t drink unless grandma fills up the water dish. If the cat didn’t see the water bowl brought back, she would wait for it to be changed. I think the cat does it to ensure the water level. I’ve seen cats stick their noses in the water and sneeze. I’ve seen her lick from the bowl’s top/edge, down to the water. Sometimes the cat will head to the other water dish after drinking out of the 1, wanting it to be changed - probably because the level goes down a bit. It annoys grandma.
When mom was in grade 1 or 2, some kids at school, around her age, held her down and jumped on her stomach. Mom got punished/had to stay in for recess and they didn’t.
At recess, mom’s teacher locked the students out during a thunderstorm, to entertain her boyfriend. The kids had to stand under a tree, which was risky. The teacher would’ve known that grandma said.
Nanny hit dad’s knees with a baseball bat when he was young. Dad didn’t know if he’d be able to make it through the military, due to trouble with his knees.
On the day that my parents got married, dad told Nanny that they were going out for dinner. She didn’t know they were getting married. She checked her pulse beside the car, outside a house they went to. My grandparents were going to pick her up there. She didn’t want dad to marry my mom because she didn’t like mom. When mom got pregnant, Nanny went around and told everyone that it belonged to dad’s brother.
Dad broke his leg in a military run and he still beat some people in the run.
Dad got to the second last NCM rank, then he switched to the officer side/Captain.
This was from some time in the past: A lot of products have palm oil in them. Only 2 products changed, I think: Nutella and margarine. I was thinking, if you had too much, it could be risky. I warned my parents about it, hoping they would warn others (perhaps they did). Later, I did research and found out I was right. So I shared a warning with a link to proof on Facebook. Perhaps I saved a life and prevented brutal cancer treatment/suffering. This was what I shared: ‘Be careful not to have a meal containing (hydrogenated - they don't need to include the word hydrogenated in the ingredient list, I think) palm oil (stove top stuffing has it iirc), followed by a dessert containing palm oil (if a person eats increased amounts/portions of food, then the risk would be greater). The following site shows the proof of cancer risk & also recommends moderation (you don't want a high concentration of palm oil in you. IIRC, palm oil damages DNA - at least at increased concentrations): https://www.healthline.com/health/palm-oil-cancer#research
I shared some recipes on Facebook from grandma's that people didn't have. I got some likes on at least some of them. So I possibly enriched people's lives when they looked forward to the treats, and enjoyed the treats. Perhaps they shared the recipes with others.
I was put on an SSRI (Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) medication (Escitalopram. It is used to treat Obsessive compulsive disorder) to see if it would help with my issues. It didn’t seem to help with the eye thing, or the butt pain.
11/17/2022] At least when I get less sleep, the high blood pressure feeling can come when I am eating my breakfast. So I do the thing with my stomach that I already mentioned, and I press my legs together, to help get my mind off it. The stomach thing is annoying.
I was only into women for that 1 day.
I’ve done more checking actions than usual - probably due to tiredness if I had to guess.
4/11/2023 - A psychiatrist recently said that I have somatoform disorder and OCD.
I never had psychosis (1 hallucination isn't enough for that) or schizophrenia.
I haven't went up a dose, because there are side effect risks. i.e. diabetes which affects quality of life. Also, Escitalopram which improves mood and hence can help with compulsive stuff, didn't seem to improve my mood any. I don't think my mood needed any improvement then.
I spent a while on documents in the past. (poor sleep made it take time) Most of them became blog entries after I started sleeping better at 34/reviewed/improved the documents.
I composed some journals in the past and transferred them to digital in case of a tornado or fire.
I made suggestion/s to The War Amps in the past to save the charity money. I kept getting mailed key tags, when I still had the ones from before. Also, there was the cost of the ink and paper that mailing involved, which I mentioned to them if I recall. Now I only get emails from The War Amps. So before some people's donations were partially wasted.
I'm allergic to potato skins.
I'm organized/a slight perfectionist, don't have/want many possessions, care about others and value being truthful.
I believe prayer could work, 1 way or another (perhaps people's belief in it can cause it to work).
I've learned: bad (i.e. lawbreaking) can lead to bad in a way you didn't predict. One example: a kid can think they can get away with something.
My butt hurt a lot at the beginning of the night after I stood in 1 spot for a time before bed once.
Sometimes in the past, I wasn't far from falling over.
My head felt "uncomfortable" twice when I was on Escitalopram the first time around. The high blood pressure feeling was probably diminished.
A heart attack is possibly more likely in my future. I can get chest pain when tired (I reported it to a psychiatrist). One medication that I'm on has an increased risk of affecting the heart when the user is older - plus it's a sedative which can slow your body down. On days with maybe 7 hours of sleep, I can get stomach aches and feel like going to sleep, and my leg muscles can feel weak/tired easier (one day it only took about 18 minutes of standing after supper). If I get sick or cancer (which can rob the body of calories) then I may be in trouble, especially when my mood can impact how tired I feel/my energy.
A psychiatrist wanted me on Escitalopram so that things wouldn't get worse for me (he was probably just thinking of the OCD aspect, high blood pressure feeling, butt pain, and maybe the eye thing). I went on it because my anxiety was worse (it can treat that). Plus, my mood was probably down a bit at least.
There is a risk of my 2 medications negatively interacting with each other, or whatever - probably at a higher dose than what I'm on.
I was attracted to girls, instead of women, until I was 32 or less. Then it became intermittent. It might be there sometimes slightly and for probably 13 seconds maximum when it occurs. In the past, a woman's bathing suit, stomach and thighs could cause repulsion. A woman's legs, arms, boobs and butt didn't turn me on/were too big, due to how my brain was. Some women's faces that people would claim were super model hot, could repulse.
It is interesting to see girls' faces as an adult without being attracted to them. You can see them differently.
A favorite quote: 'Presumption is risky'. (always) You risk an incorrect view of reality with any presumption. The previous was by me. I’m not in love with the quote.
3/27/2024] I’ve been over my documents at age 36 and I made improvements to them. As you can see from them (they are polished and not full of unnecessary words, obvious stuff, or common knowledge), my mind was perfectly capable for reasoning and my autobiography memories are sound. My family is around to say otherwise if that wasn’t true.
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